You Don't Wanna Work For Fun

Jack retired years ago, and he has a mountain of money from several successful real estate ventures. Jack now works for General Standard Company for fun. He works to get out of the house and to feel young and important. He doesn't need the money, but still we heard that he haggled for a higher salary and consistently negotiates better raises. We hate Jack and see him as a drain on the company's resources. Also, has it been mentioned that he's annoying?

You Don't Wanna Bother Helping

Mary went out of her way to make sure one of Jack's transactions got completed correctly, since Jack had gone home without properly finishing up. When Mary told Jack what she had done, Jack pretended to be busy on his computer and simply said, "Whatever." Mary knew that she had been right about him, and that Jack was, among many other things, kind of a jerk.

You Don't Wanna Smile

I stepped away from my client for a moment, a young woman from a local paper business. Jack saw his opportunity and swiveled around quickly in his chair. "You have a very pretty smile," he leered, winking behind his bifocals. When I came back, my client was pretending to have received a call on her cell phone, her mouth drawn into a tight, straight line.

You Don't Wanna Quiet Down

Jack's indoor voice is loud. If your desk is next to Jack's desk, you simply will not be able to concentrate on your business. Jack screams to clients, screams on the phone, screams to his coworkers who are sitting less than three feet away. It may be because he's partially deaf, which he has yet to admit. Or it may be because he thinks that everyone else is partially deaf. It may be that he wants to make damn sure he's heard or, yes, it may just be because he's an asshole.

You Don't Wanna Get Shredded

Jack brought his own shredder from home and keeps it under his desk. All day long, the office is filled with the whirring of Jack's shredder. He shreds everything, and he shreds it loudly. The rest of us simply throw our items in our paper waste bin, where they are hauled off to be put in a specific "To Be Shredded" receptacle at the end of the night. Jack doesn't trust the waste bins or the "To Be Shredded" receptacle. Jack doesn't trust anything unless it's noisy and super irritating.

You Don't Wanna Meet A Nazi

Jack is convinced that one of his clients- a creepy weirdo even older than Jack- is an actual, bona fide Nazi, from WWII. Jack might be right about this. Nonetheless, Jack loves this guy and sometimes calls him at home just to chat.

You Don't Wanna Be Japanese

A Japanese woman, from Japan, sat at Jack's desk. Jack was amazed by this woman and asked her if she knew how to speak Japanese. "Yes, of course," she said, slightly puzzled since she had just told him she was born and raised in Japan and had only come to America a year ago. "That's great!" Jack replied as if talking to a child. "It's a really good thing these days to know another language!"

You Don't Wanna Watch The Cubs

Jack's a Cub fan, and every day after a game says, "How 'bout those Cubs?" How 'bout you just give it a rest already?

You Don't Wanna Send A Fax

There was a note taped to the fax machine that said, "If a fax comes for me, please give it to me- Jack." He was expecting a fax- his first ever!- and wasn't sure if the rest of us would know to give him a fax that said "Attention Jack." The funny thing is that he thinks we're the idiots and never considers the opposite.

You Don't Wanna Save A Tree

He prints out every email that he receives. He prints out emails that do not have words in them, only attachments. He has a stack of printed emails that are blank except for a small icon of an Excel or Word file. He runs back and forth from the printer all day. When the printer flashes "Change Toner Soon- 700 Pages Left," he gets nervous. He doesn't know how to change the toner, and it's easy to go through 700 pages in a jiffy.

You Don't Wanna Leave A Message

Jack hands out his business card and tells clients that if they call and his voicemail picks up, that simply means that he's either on the other line and can't answer or he's with another client or he's momentarily away from his desk. If you leave a message, though, and clearly state your name and phone number, Jack will call you back as soon as he can. Jack explains voicemail as if the concept is brand new. He imagines people calling him, hearing his voicemail recording, and instantly freaking out. Jack doesn't want you to freak out. Should he explain again how the voicemail works?

You Don't Wanna Transfer A Call

If Jack gets a phone call for you, he will politely ask for the name of the person calling. Then he will put the person on hold and slowly transfer the call. He does this slowly because he is still not sure of how to work his phone. Jack doesn't bother telling you who it is on the other line even though he obviously just found out. Jack was asking for the name of the caller simply to be nosy.

You Don't Wanna Be Called Sir By An Old Guy

Jack makes it a point to call the other men in the office "sir." Jack is in his mid-sixties. It's ridiculous.

You Don't Wanna Be Jack's Go To Guy

Jack considers Gary his best work friend. Gary can't get anything done without Jack running up to Gary's desk and interrupting his work with a series of inane questions and pointless comments. Gary has to constantly clean up Jack's messes and oversee Jack's work because Jack has appointed Gary as his "guy." When speaking to clients, Jack refers to Gary as his "partner." "If I'm not here, just ask for Gary," Jack might say to a client, effectively doubling Gary's workload. Jack even calls Gary from home with questions about situations that may or may not arise. Gary is having a hard time not hanging himself.

You Don't Wanna Go To Jack's House

The office was going to host a holiday party, and Jack offered to have it at his house instead of a bar. Everybody pictured Jack pompously leading his fellow co-workers on a tour of his home while wearing a plush red smoking robe, slippers, and black socks. Everybody pictured Jack playing bartender in his kitchen and soaking in all of the attention. Everybody pictured Jack loudly and overly graciously insisting somebody take advantage of his guest room. The office did not throw a holiday party at all.

You Don't Wanna Drive Behind Jack

A police officer pulled Jack over for speeding. I was shocked to hear this because I've driven behind Jack and it's like being parked in front of a wall. Also, he can barely see over the steering wheel. And when he parks his car in the parking lot, the bumper scrapes up over the curb. The last thing about his car, he has his initials on his license plate. That's SO Jack.

You Don't Wanna Spend Extra On Sunglasses

The lenses of Jack's glasses turn gray in the sun. They are darker than normal eyeglass lenses but lighter than normal sunglass lenses. Dumb.

You Don't Wanna Hum Along

The thing about Jack is that he hums. This is not a huge issue in and of itself except for the fact that every once in a while, the humming will escalate into a very loud exclamation of BA-DUM-BUM! And that's just plain disruptive.

You Don't Wanna Think About That

In the same sentence, Jack mentioned, to no one in particular, that he'd had "cosmetic surgery" on his face to remove a mole and that he just found out that there's a podiatrist in our office center. Thanks a lot, Jack. Now we're all picturing your facial growths AND your feet.

You Don't Wanna Get Cold

There are two thermostats in the office- the old one that doesn't work and the newer one that does. When it gets cold, Jack walks over to the thermostats and proceeds to fiddle with the old, broken thermostat. When someone tells him that he's using the wrong thermostat, he shoots them a nasty look and immediately proclaims, "I think the heat just kicked on." Nothing kicked on, Jack. Except maybe your senility.

You Don't Wanna Be A Redhead

Mary dyed her hair red. Jack said in his dirty old man way, "You know, red is my favorite hair color on a woman." Mary felt sick and dyed her hair brown that very night.

You Don't Wanna Be A Racist

He has a habit of referring to black people by the shading of their skin color. He was a very light black man, he might say, or a very dark black man or perhaps a medium dark black man. This when the color of his skin shouldn't be part of the story in the first place, much less the specific gradation. He once used the word negro. Another time he said chocolate.

You Don't Wanna Be A Very Attractive Man

Jack saw his picture in the company's newsletter, the face of a man from another office location with whom he had spoken to once, maybe twice, on the phone. The next time Jack had to call him for something, he started his conversation by saying, "You know, I saw your picture in the newsletter. I didn't realize you were such an attractive man!" This went on for a bit, Jack referring to this other man repeatedly as both an attractive man and a good-looking guy. It was awkward for everyone, even for those of us who could only hear the one side of the phone conversation. Jack didn't seem to notice and just kept on saying it.

You Don't Wanna Be Helped

Jack screams to clients walking into the office, "CAN I HELP YA?" He positively falls over to greet clients, to the point of startling them. Most of them are barely in the door before they hear it. CAN I HELP YA? And none of them know what to do. There's not much you can do. If you say no, Jack will simply chase you around the office until you finally give in.

You Don't Wanna Know The System

Jack refers to the office's software as "the system." This wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't constantly repeating it. The system is slow today. The system is fast today. The system is getting easier to use. The system is smart. When is the next training on the system? This is a very high-tech system. Jack's highest compliment? You should get a promotion- you're so good on the system!

You Don't Wanna Waste Time With Jack

Jack takes too long with clients. One day a woman sat at Jack's desk and managed to read the newspaper from cover to cover while he slowly took care of updating the client's information in the computer. He slowly hunted and pecked his way across the keyboard in his usual purposeful and stupid way, and the woman kept the newspaper raised as to create a physical barrier between herself and Jack. She rudely flipped pages and audibly sighed, wondering how much longer her visit with Jack could possibly take. To this day, that awesomely wonderful woman is my hero.

You Don't Wanna E-mail Jack

He checks his work email from home. He is supremely proud of himself for being able to do this. The thing is, nobody ever emails him. We imagine Jack sitting in his highly-appointed home office on a fun-filled Sunday afternoon as he slowly clicks through all of the generic, office-wide emails addressed to "General Standard Employees," nodding slowly with self-importance as he reads three or four messages that have absolutely nothing to do with him, his job, or his life in general. He is also drinking a cup of coffee in the scenario- Sanka- and is of course wearing black socks and too-short pants.

You Don't Wanna Eat Like Jack

He munches carrots at his desk almost daily. They're baby carrots, most of the time, but they sound like big, thick, cartoon carrots, the kind of carrots that only Bugs Bunny himself could crunch through. The sound of Jack biting into the carrots, and then laboriously chewing through them until they've become sufficiently pasty and easy to swallow, is like the sound of death galloping into the office and slowly claiming your soul.

You Don't Wanna Be The Fax Machine

Jack has said that the fax machine doesn't always work right, and that sometimes you have to massage the buttons. Thinking about Jack massaging anything makes your skin crawl.

You Don't Wanna Hear Jack Ever Say This Word Again

A gynecologist's office contacted our office one day with questions about our products. Jack came up to me and asked if I was waiting for a call from a gynecologist, if I had ever spoken to this particular gynecologist. He asked me this as he touched the small of my back, repeating the word "gynecologist" no less than three times. I just about threw up right there on the spot.

You Don't Wanna Be Around Jack And A Pretty Girl

Because he's an "older gentleman," Jack thinks it's okay to be inappropriately flirty to young women. One day, he called an eighteen year old co-worker luscious. A few weeks later, when she left for college, he embraced her and try to give her a fatherly kiss on the cheek. Since he's a short little man, he missed and kissed her neck instead. Disgusting.

You Don't Wanna Hear Jack Verify A Number

He has to ask for the last four digits of a person's social security number before he speaks to them. He doesn't realize that most people are pretty good at remembering these last four digits. When they rattle them off in a semi-quick manner, Jack expresses shock and pride. "There you go!" he says in a congratulatory tone. "Most people have to go through the whole thing!"

You Don't Wanna Hear Jack Get Disconnected

Somebody's clearly hung up, but Jack keeps insistently try to reach them. "Hello? Hello? Hello. Hello? Hello! Hello?" After forty-five seconds of increasingly annoying hellos, he will finally hang up, placing the receiver gently into the telephone cradle in a way that makes you wonder if he's ever used a telephone before.

You Don't Wanna Hear Jack Answer The Phone

He starts speaking the second he picks up the phone. "General Standard Company, this is Jack!" When he finally gets the phone to his face, he's already past the name of our office, and most of his introduction. The person on the other end of the phone usually just hears "Ack!"

You Don't Wanna Know Jack's Calf

He likes to lean back in his chair, an ankle propped up on his knee. He exposes a solid three inches of his calf when he does this: three inches of wrinkled and hairy old man flesh between the black of his socks and the hem of his trousers. The sight makes me gag.